Well, our Jack has been with us for three months (13 weeks) now and it's
time for an update! :) Jack has made some major strides this past month,
but we have also had some BIG setbacks as well. As much as I would love to only
post good things on this blog about our adoption, I feel as though I must be
honest. I have said before, Jack had a tough initial first few weeks with us
once we brought him home as he dealt with the initial shock of everything and
grieved his foster family. Soon after the jet lag wore off though, he began to
settle into a routine. He started to understand some of the home rules, began
communicating with sign language, and even started speaking a few words. He was
sleeping great, pleasant to take out for short or long visits, seemed to play
well by himself or with others, he ate well, he obeyed us when we said “no,”
and he asked for help when he needed it. Overall, we felt he was doing
great!
Well, recently this has all changed! Jack decided one day that he
would wake up in a bad mood and this has continued for the past two
weeks! Everyday Jack has been doing things that he knows he isn't
supposed to do, but doing it anyway. He used to ask for or sign for help,
but now he gets angry and throws things instead.
He has been difficult to bring out in public,
because his behavior is so unpredictable.
But mostly, Jack just seems overall moody, constantly fussing and
unhappy. Bryan and I have been caught off guard by his behavior and still
haven't figured out the best way to discipline him in love. As I have
mentioned before, we cannot discipline Jack the same way that you could a child
that is already completely attached to their parents. We have to handle him
delicately as to not to hinder his bonding to us. This has been the
hardest part for Bryan and me to figure out. Anything I find on disciplining
children has to do with older children that you can communicate with. Jack is
already behind in his communication because he is from another country, so that
doesn't help! I can't find anything about disciplining a younger child,
much less a Christian source of disciplining an adopted child. :( Are you only
supposed to discipline older children?! Bryan and I definitely feel like Jack
needs discipline, instead of using modes of distraction or us just ignoring his
behavior, but we also don't want to delay his bonding process either. If anyone
has any recommendations on how they best disciplined their adoptive child,
please, by all means, let us know what worked for you!
We are exhausted and overwhelmed most days (which is probably true for most
parents raising a toddler). But to me, Jack's behavior was so out of the ordinary
that it eventually drove me to search for some kind of help. Every day, I
was on the internet scouring for answers. I was feeling completely frustrated
and so alone until God provided me great hope in a blog article, called
The Truth About Adoption: One Year Later! Please, if
you haven't read this and if you are planning on adopting an older child, you
should
definitely read it! Or if you want to know what we have been
going through these past few months, it couldn't be any more truer if I had written
it myself! God bless Jen Hatmaker! If it wasn't for her bravery in being honest
about adoption, I would have continued to feel like I was the only person in
the world going through this....
Go
HERE to read her blog post.
Apparently, if I had done enough research or talked to my adoptive friends,
I would have known this stage with Jack was coming! In her blog post (and many
other articles that I have read since), Jen mentions that older adopted
children often go through what they call a "honeymoon" period, where
the adopted child and his/her parents are on their best behavior and this can
last from a few days to up to a few months. Some say they never have a
honeymoon period, so I guess I'm glad we did with Jack. ;) Next comes what they
call a "testing" period. During this phase, adopted children
test their parents to see if they will leave them. They do this by acting out inappropriately
and disobeying, among other things. Many parents of young children probably go
through several testing stages too, but with adopted children, the motive is
different behind their behaviors. These children have already gone through such
great loss in their young lives that they don't know who they can trust
anymore. They test and test until they can finally feel safe and free to
express love to their family. It is up to Bryan and me to respond in the
right way to Jack's behaviors in order for him to feel this way toward us
eventually. And if we don’t get it right during this critical time in his
life, he may never attach fully! No pressure or anything! :)
Anyway, we have just had a hard couple weeks with Jack (and probably have a
lot more to come), but the whole month hasn't been all that bad. ;) Like I
mentioned before, Jack had made some major strides and doing some pretty cute
things lately.
Jack is speaking a lot more now! I had been writing down his words, so I
could remember to tell our social worker what he was saying. He was really only
learning a few words each month, but this month he starting to try to imitate
us. It's like he was listening all this time and then he all of the sudden he wanted
to try. He doesn't get them all exactly right, but he does get close enough and
at least he is trying! Some of his new words are “Nana (banana), Up
(which usually means ‘help’), Jacka (Jack), Bee! (Boo!), Hot, Otz (Socks), Pay
(Pray), Wa wa (Water),
MIIILLL!! (MILK!),
Buht (book), and Uh…do…TREE!” (One, two, THREE!).
This has made me so happy because I know that
once he can start communicating, things won't be quite so hard for him to
express himself, and maybe we can avoid some of these tantrums. ;)
Jack seems like he is more open to learning things now. He likes us to read
to him and he often reads to himself, by muttering softly while looking down at
his book of choice.
Since Jack loves
books now, we incorporated it into his bedtime routine. First we have
bath time and sing songs. For “
Old
McDonald Had A Farm”, he sings, "Oh Man Oh Man...Eee I Oh!"
When he gets out of the tub, we will put lotion on him and say, "massage
the leg, massage the arm.." etc. when we put it on him. He will
imitate us by saying "saj da." "saj da." We then read him a
book and say our prayers.
He really
likes to pray now and often reminds Bry and I to do it for meals.
Sometimes he will pray on his own quietly saying, "umm, ummm, ummm.."
then loudly says, "AMEN!" It's so cute!
Jack’s favorite thing to say now is, “Oh
man!” He was saying “Uh Oh” when he dropped something or fell down, but somehow
it turned into “Oh Man!” We thought this was so funny, so we started
encouraging it by saying it too.
Bryan
especially thinks it is funny when he says it after he or Daddy passes gas! :P
He still doesn't call us Mama or Dada yet, though he can say it. I think he
might be waiting to do that until he has bonded to us. Lord knows I would love
to hear him call me Mama, but I don't want to push him. He will say it when he
is ready.
We had our second post placement visit a little early due to some scheduling
conflicts, but turns out it was great timing, because Jack wasn't in his
"testing" phase yet, so we didn't have to address it! ;) We will see
our social worker again in October and then finalize Jack's adoption at the end
of November or in December! Three more months and Jack will officially be our
son!
Jack has been to our nursery at church three times now. With each visit, he
has gotten more and more sad each time we drop him off.
Normally this would make most people sad, but
it's a sign of attachment, so it makes Bry and me a little bit happy that he
doesn't want to leave us. Sometimes, we take him into the service at the
beginning, so he can listen to the music. The first time we did it, he had this
blank look on his face like he didn't know what the heck was going on. But this
last time, he seemed more comfortable. He would reach out his hand to introduce
himself during the greeting time, and clapped (almost in rhythm) during the
music. ;)
Jack is doing so many new things.
He
is such an imitator. He loves his sign language book, because he likes us to
show him the signs in it so he can try them. He likes to copy kids and do
exactly what they do. If a younger child falls down accidentally, Jack likes to
fall down too. Maybe he is trying to make the other kid feel better. ;) He also
likes to pretend.
Sometimes he grabs a
bag, (like mommy and daddy do when they leave) and says, “Bye bye.”
He still likes music and his dancing skills are improving. ;) He can walk up
the steps with almost no help. He loves watching his
Cars movie.
He often asks
for “moovee?” but if we put anything else in other than
Cars, he doesn’t like it.
“May-ner” (Mater) is his favorite character.
Mommy and Daddy had nothing to do with that.
;)
So, even though we are going through a difficult time right now, God still
encourages us every day through moments of joy and gives us glimpses of hope
that it will all be worth it in the end!
J Please continue to
keep our family in your prayers if you ever think of us. We always appreciate
it!
Here's some pictures from the last month...
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| Visiting Magnolia Gardens |
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| Petting the deer. |
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| Playing with Papa's bunnies! |
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| Papa's Tee Pee! |
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| Visiting the Children's Museum. |
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| He loved grocery shopping. |
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| There's a smile! |
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| That's one tired Mama! |
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| That face pretty much sums up this month! ;) |
